http://www.wfum.org/childrenpl
Friday, May 30, 2008
Research
http://www.wfum.org/childrenpl
Thursday, May 29, 2008
In which we observe, consume, and observe again
(John fills his cup with punch. Laverne closes in and immediately knocks over his punch, mostly on his pants)
Laverne: Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
John: Ahh-
Laverne: I am such a klutz! I knock stuff over all the time! I'm so sorry, I'll pay for your dry cleaning! Let me get you a towel-
John: Actually-
(Laverne knocks over punch bowl)
Laverne: I told you! Shit-zu! Oh no! I'm so sorry!
Narrator: Time. Alright, pens down. Has everyone finished their tabulation? Now fold your tab sheet and slide it not into the blue envelope, but into the gray envelope and hand your envelope to the nearest proctor. Ok, now everyone try and count the number of times Lawrence has blinked in the same period of elapsed time.
(TV picture comes up. Lawrence Welk and his orchestra are playing)
Stagehand #1: Did you read the contract before you set up the chairs?
Stagehand #2: Of course. I made sure that Lawrence's mom is in the front row. Now look how nervous he is up there. He can't play worth shit now!
Narrator: If correctly comparing those numbers on the sorrow index, you will be able to tell the level of despondency between those two men. Now for the Jello-shots.
Friday, May 23, 2008
In which opposites and supposed crimes are perpetrated
Thursday, May 15, 2008
In Which A Joust Will Take Place
Context: Audio fades in from headphones and actors, as in fanfare, noise of live audience/rustling/outdoors
Narrator1: Well-well-well, look who finally decided to join us, eh? "Joust" in time, you might say, am I right? Yeah yeah, I know, I used that one last week, but it's still a killer line, so don't judge me okay, knocks 'em dead every time--almost as much as "match over"! You know what I mean? Dead on the ground? Did you follow that one? No? I'll scratch it. Gone. Don't have to tell me twice. <
Audio:
Narrator1 (continued): Time to go! See you after the match, eh? Unless you die--unlikely, though!
Narrator2: Well good God, why not just go naked? You could cup your extras, show your teeth, and hope he lays down. Jesus. Jousters and jesters aren't that far off, are they? Alright, well, enough patting your back, time to face up! Not with ME, with the challenger! Square up now! Look'em in the face, mate! You're acting like this is your first joust! Two blokes made the trip all the way from Coventry to see you beat up on the Kensington Killer and you're ambling around like a drunk midget. Square up, back up, give yourself some sodding room. Look, see, watch the Kensington Killer, do what he does. Now up you go, on your horse. <
Audio:
Narrator2: Were you just at the pub? Where's your sodding horse? You drunk, mate? Christ, I should've been a blacksmith. Well, go on with it anyway! At least preTEND like you're on a horse carrying a deadly weapon with murderous intent and sprint down the way toward the Kensington Killer!
Audio:
Narrator2 (continued): Oh, you need convincing now? Want to suck on mommy's teet? Well don't look at me. I wouldn't do it either. That bloke's killed more men then a knee-high skirt.
Action: A
Narrator2: Time's up! Can't help you know! You're...on...your...owwwwwwwwn...!
Action:
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
in which we confirm our outsider status
When I was in 1st grade, I became fascinated with dinosaurs. I had all the books, knew all the names. The idea that something that huge used to walk around, right where I lived, was amazing to me. And also the fact that they had lived for millions of years and now there were none. How could that be? What could have killed them all? I had to know.
Chris's missions were usually even more daring and involved trying to get the tooth of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. We had some very close shaves, sometimes being able to feel the breath of the giant beast on our backs before we leapt to our time machines, throwing our bodies back and forth to gain enough momentum to travel forward to our present time. Faster, faster, faster we went, the wind again in our ears, the bugs in our teeth. We raced against time and impending doom to arrive safely back to the playground. Everyone else around us was so clueless, they had no idea about the adventure we'd just had.
The afternoons were spent on learning social studies and feeding the class fish and the bus ride home was devoted to perfecting our rendition of Billy Idol's "Mony Mony." But I knew that the next morning would bring another fresh adventure.
Monday, May 12, 2008
In which we fill our mouth
Horan
In which we fill our mouth
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Setup:
A bowl filled with Hershey Kisses. Narrator says: “Do you see that bowl of Hershey's Kisses? Go stand in front of it and unwrap one…Put it in your mouth but don’t bite down. Take as many as you like. Unwrap them. Put them in your mouth. But don’t bite down or swallow until the story is over.”
Content:
My kid sister would put game pieces in her mouth. She preferred the ones from the Board game “Sorry.” I believe she liked how it felt. Obviously now I find it funny, but as a child it was frustrating, like someone taking bites of your sandwich when you aren’t looking. When we would take our eyes off the board for a moment half the pieces would disappear. We would just take one look at my sister and see part of a little metal boot sticking out of her mouth. I don’t think she ever ate them, but I’m not sure where they all went. Some of the games we had to give up completely. We didn’t have enough pies to make Trivia Pursuit worth keeping. Perhaps she spat them all out in a little box she kept under the bed.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
In which we play ghost tag
Collaborative
In which we play ghost tag
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Setup: A room full of TVs with the lights off. They are white static, but occaionally flash images. The narrator instructs the listeners to change the chanels with a remote. We see clips of “Knight Ridder” and “Mission Impossible.” The audience is asked to put on disguises. And actor taps the shoulder of the audience member, but upon seeing the disguise shakes his head sadly and moves on.
Contents:
I guess lots of kids play with imaginary friends. I don’t remember ever doing it. I’m sure it wasn’t from lack of imagination. I just spent my time with ghosts. I still do. There are some here now.
Ghosts make excellent playmates. Sometimes they are tempted to cheat at hide and seak. Tag is really the best game to play with ghosts. We liked freeze tag the best, but the ghosts would always name shows that had been off the air for years. And they hadn’t heard of the shows I watched – because they had died. We got in an argument so bad one day, that we could never play again. Bill- that’s what he claimed to be his name, although I found it vauge and suspicious- Bill insisted that Knight Ridder was a ridiculous premise, and nothing even remotely similar to that could ever occur in any imagined future of this world.
I called him narrow-minded.
He said that ghosts like shows where people wear disguises. Bill said he was a huge fan of mission impossible. I asked him if he was talking about the Tom Cruise movies, but he hadn’t seen them – because he died. He had meant the TV show. When I told him I didn’t realize it was a TV show first, he got really offended and didn’t talk to me for a whole month.
One day for his birthday I decided to surprise him for his birthday and I wore fake mustache and glasses. He didn’t recognize me. He never did again.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
In which the chains rattle
Collaborative
In which the chains rattle
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Setup:
The audience member is asked to sit in a ball pit or bean bag chairs. Then they are asked to look at stars projected onto a ceiling. Sound: wind.
Content:
They cut down the goal posts with a chain saw.
They took out the walls on the sandbox but left the dirt behind.
They unscrewed the swing seats but left the chains.
For weeks after sand blew across the field, rattling chains with no good use.
They detatched the iron ducks, zebras and purple hippos from their stout spring bases,
Leaving coiled silos gaping their mouths to the heavens.
This used to be a place where children could play
and lovers could remember what it was like to be a child.
Now it’s like the badlands.
There is no life, no movement.
I still return though.
Sometimes I imagine that this old playground is like the la-brea-ya tar pits,
And all the slides and swings and see-saws sank into the earth.
Just like my childhood has sunk within me.
Over there they opened a mini-mart.
Not even a national chain.
That’s how you know a nieghborhood is rotten.
This wasteland of a park is surrounded by second rate crummy retail.
The kind with bars on the windows.
In which we learn that extinction is possible
Collaborative
In which we learn that extinction is possible
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Setup: The narrator says “Greeting children of all ages. See what looks like a card board box. It’s a time machine. Let’s take it for a spin why don’t we. Climb inside and get comfy. (When a person gets inside the box. Actors act like donosaurs outside.)
Contents:
Dinosaurs are my favorite animal.
Green is my favorite color.
Whenever I play dinosaurs I am always a stegasaurus.
Always.
You can go ahead and be the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
You roar better than me anyway. It’s really scary, especially when you make your hands all claw-y. When you do that I just know you’re going to rip the flesh from my bones. T-Rex is a preditor.
Now I’ll stand over here and pretend to eat ferns. I love ferns! They’re green!
You do the small arms T-Rex thing and try to sneak up on me.
Ooh! And you! Be a pterodactyl and swoop in and scare us off!
And Ricky, you be the meteor who plummets to earth and kills us.
Yes, you have to.
Well, somebody has to be the meteor. You can’t play Dinosaurs without a meteor. Then it would just go on forever. Don’t make me be the meteor. I’ll be so big and green that I will kill you for real. I will kill you!