In Which A Joust Will Take Place

Set Up: Two members of the audience will be ushered into a room (or designated area) and positioned at opposite ends. **Alternatively, the entire audience will be split evenly and positioned at opposite ends in the same fashion.** Actors on the sidelines will applaud and make a low ruckus upon their entry with other specific instructions as needed.

Context: Audio fades in from headphones and actors, as in fanfare, noise of live audience/rustling/outdoors

Narrator1: Well-well-well, look who finally decided to join us, eh? "Joust" in time, you might say, am I right? Yeah yeah, I know, I used that one last week, but it's still a killer line, so don't judge me okay, knocks 'em dead every time--almost as much as "match over"! You know what I mean? Dead on the ground? Did you follow that one? No? I'll scratch it. Gone. Don't have to tell me twice. <> Seem a bit distracted, don't you? No helmet today, eh? And lacking a shield too. Fair enough. Shows confidence, I'd say. Assuredness. I might suggest finding your lance, though. There's confidence and then there's delirium, and in this case--ah, there's the Kensington Killer! Look at that! What a...runt! Much shorter than imagined. More girly, too. Got crooked eyes, I think. Probably rides sideways, mumbles when eating pig. Loud mumbles, not normal. Not like, "Ah, now that's good pig!" More like, "Having trouble with the pig--got crooked eyes."

Audio: louder fanfare, screaming for Kensington Killer

Narrator1 (continued): Time to go! See you after the match, eh? Unless you die--unlikely, though!

Narrator2: Well good God, why not just go naked? You could cup your extras, show your teeth, and hope he lays down. Jesus. Jousters and jesters aren't that far off, are they? Alright, well, enough patting your back, time to face up! Not with ME, with the challenger! Square up now! Look'em in the face, mate! You're acting like this is your first joust! Two blokes made the trip all the way from Coventry to see you beat up on the Kensington Killer and you're ambling around like a drunk midget. Square up, back up, give yourself some sodding room. Look, see, watch the Kensington Killer, do what he does. Now up you go, on your horse. <>

Audio: loud boos, hisses, etc.

Narrator2: Were you just at the pub? Where's your sodding horse? You drunk, mate? Christ, I should've been a blacksmith. Well, go on with it anyway! At least preTEND like you're on a horse carrying a deadly weapon with murderous intent and sprint down the way toward the Kensington Killer!

Audio: chanting "We want a joust! We want a joust!"

Narrator2 (continued): Oh, you need convincing now? Want to suck on mommy's teet? Well don't look at me. I wouldn't do it either. That bloke's killed more men then a knee-high skirt.

Action: Actors hand each audience member an unsharpened pencil, urges them into prejoust formation

Narrator2: Time's up! Can't help you know! You're...on...your...owwwwwwwwn...!

Action: All the actors now chant and move in slow motion, as the audience members (hopefully!) realize they must slowly joust each other, with the natural end (i.e., "winner" and "loser") being decided by them alone. At the joust's conclusion, the crowd erupts in (real time) applause and cheers.