Narrator: Please fill out a name tag and affix it to your shirt. Let me introduce you to our subjects. This is John and this is Laverne. They've worked in the same company for a year and have never met. We join them now at an office holiday party. Help yourself to some saltines. Try to count the number of times John seems unable to speak.
(John fills his cup with punch. Laverne closes in and immediately knocks over his punch, mostly on his pants)
Laverne: Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
John: Ahh-
Laverne: I am such a klutz! I knock stuff over all the time! I'm so sorry, I'll pay for your dry cleaning! Let me get you a towel-
John: Actually-
(Laverne knocks over punch bowl)
Laverne: I told you! Shit-zu! Oh no! I'm so sorry!
Narrator: Time. Alright, pens down. Has everyone finished their tabulation? Now fold your tab sheet and slide it not into the blue envelope, but into the gray envelope and hand your envelope to the nearest proctor. Ok, now everyone try and count the number of times Lawrence has blinked in the same period of elapsed time.
(TV picture comes up. Lawrence Welk and his orchestra are playing)
Stagehand #1: Did you read the contract before you set up the chairs?
Stagehand #2: Of course. I made sure that Lawrence's mom is in the front row. Now look how nervous he is up there. He can't play worth shit now!
Narrator: If correctly comparing those numbers on the sorrow index, you will be able to tell the level of despondency between those two men. Now for the Jello-shots.
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